Is Self-Care Selfish? Rethinking Guilt, Balance and the Word ‘Selfish’
Is it Selfish to Put Myself First?
The word selfish often comes up in counselling sessions—and almost always with a negative tone. A client might say something like:
“Maybe it’s a bit selfish of me to take care of myself when my family needs me so much.”
According to the Collins English Dictionary, selfish means:
“chiefly concerned with one’s own interest, advantage, etc., especially to the total exclusion of the interests of others.”
No wonder so many of us feel guilty for wanting time for ourselves. We’ve been taught that self-care is selfish—that if we put ourselves first, we’re neglecting others.
But what if that isn’t the whole story?
Looking More Deeply at the Word ‘Selfish’
Counselling gives us the chance to slow down and examine words that carry heavy judgements. One of the things I often do is gently reflect words back to clients so they can hear what they’re really saying.
With selfish, I like to separate it into its two parts: self and -ish.
Think of it this way: if I describe the armchairs in my counselling room as greenish, it doesn’t carry any shame—it just means “somewhat green.”
So what if selfish could simply mean “somewhat for the self”?
Selfish vs. ‘Otherish’
If I decide to go for a walk in nature to recharge after a long day, instead of immediately helping a family member, that might be labelled selfish. Perhaps helping that family member at another time could be described as ‘otherish’.
Neither action is necessarily good or bad—they’re just different, and each has its appropriate time. In fact, I believe that by replenishing our own energy, we put ourselves in a much better position to truly support those we love.
This reframing can be powerful for anyone struggling with guilt about self-care.
How Language Shapes our Experience
I’m no linguist, but I do believe that words shape how we see ourselves and the world.
For example, the Japanese phrase 一期一会 (ichi-go ichi-e) means “one time, one meeting.” It captures the idea that every encounter is unique and should be cherished because it will never happen in exactly the same way again.
Having a word like this in your language inevitably changes how you experience life. Without such a word in English, we may notice and value such encounters differently—or not at all.
Taking Time for Yourself Isn’t Selfish
Perhaps being “a little selfish” doesn’t mean neglecting others at all. It may simply mean honouring your own needs so you can live with more balance, presence, and energy.
If you’ve ever asked yourself “Is it selfish to put myself first?” or “Why do I feel guilty about self-care?”—counselling can be an ideal place to explore those questions.
Ready to Explore This for Yourself?
If you’d like some time to think differently about the words you use—and the way you treat yourself—you’re welcome to book a free introductory counselling call with me here.